Number Games

Five shows I just made-up, but now want to see performed at the Fringe:

1. A lonely hooker gets a pet crab who turns out to be the reincarnation Shakespeare. He does not approve of her night job and they fight bitterly until she gets tired of debating her morals and cooks him.



2. A scowling kid doesn’t believe his mother when she tells him that his face is bound to stay that way. When he gets sick, she feels badly for lying. At some point, there is a picnic, a bear, and a horribly contorted permanent freeze-frame of a scream.



3. A condensed version of the Trojan War in which everyone is a gay, tap dancing chicken.



4. Scientists find out that copious amounts of alcohol actually do make you smarter and everyone is forced to apologize for having doubted me.



5. A theatrical cross between Ten Things I Hate About You and Snakes on a Plane.
   

Four common ways in which people try to get you to part with money:

Shame

“Tippers make better lovers”

Guilt

“Homeless with two hungry kids”

Humor

“Out-of-work Ninja”

Camaraderie

“I’m just like you…except that you have money”

Three things that clearly deserve their very own festival:

Ice Cream

Is Dipping Dots really the Ice Cream of the future? Do they survey fish when they make Phish Food? Do they know that the word is spelled wrong? Is it supposed to be an acronym? What’s up with astronaut ice cream?

Mullets

If it’s all business in the front and party in the back, what happens when mullets turn sideways? Is the illusion ruined? How does the community feel about their commonly mocked position in pop-culture reference?

Carnies

.



I want to know who the bearded woman is dating

Two Scottish proverbs I plan to insert into future conversations:

A hungry man smells meat far.

Ye'll sleep yer brains inta train oil.





One fabulous perk to seeing theater by yourself:

You will always get a great seat, even if you’re late. This is because many couples are uncomfortable sitting directly next to other couples and they usually leave a seat in between. To them, casual shoulder-to-shoulder closeness feels dangerously like swinging. But don’t worry--- since everybody loves a threesome, that third row center seat is all yours.

While some people count sheep, I prefer to get a little bit more creative with my number games. Does anyone else have ideas for lists?